Most people wish to not hold grudges. They wish that anger wouldn't consume them every time someone betrays them. And they should. But the opposite of that isn't okay either and unfortunately my inability to hold on leaves me open in the worst way.
By no means do I wish to be bitter, holding on to things I cannot control because 1) It takes energy and time to hate people. I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do. 2) The People that I consider hating, I'm usually in some kind of relationship with them. I can usually separate the person from the action and consider that it's irrational to dislike someone I'd otherwise be friends with if we weren't together (makes sense?)
But by becoming this person, I am in many ways telling the other person that they are right, that it's okay to hurt people. Because after a few apologies and stupid jokes things will be okay. But it's not okay because some people say they are wrong but they dont really understand why. Thus, the cycle continues and its obviously up to me to use discretion but I can only keep my guard up for so long. I guess I'm just trying to find a middle ground, or like I just wanna say like:
"While I am not holding a grudge, what you've done to me has broken me in many ways. I will say hi to you and entertain random chatter but at this point you serve no purpose in my life. You were a decent friend and a good listener at best, but so is a dog. I have enough friends. Things obviously happened for a reason and while my short attention span won't allow me to fully articulate what you did to me, I still feel the effects of it sometimes because it haunts me. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I understand why you chose her and that's just unhealthy. The first time you made me feel worthless will be your last so I mean good-bye in the nicest of ways."
So YES I'm done. I'm moving on and it would be great to clarify a few things that I never got the chance to ask you, but is it okay that I dont even care anymore?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Relationships
Yes, this is the topic I barely touch on mostly because I do not care for people being in my business. But I feel like there are a couple of things I need to address because I hate when people frikkin ask me Why are you single?
...& what pisses me off is that it is always the people who just got into a relationship. The people who've been in relationships for awhile don't seem to bother me as much. Bottom line, I am nineteen years young so no one should be asking me those questions. It should sound more like Why were you sober last night?
so here's my deal. For a long time, let's say before 2010, I was a hopeless romantic. Your typical little girl caught up in Disney stories and shit. But then two things occurred to me. One, this is the real world filled with real people who do really bad things. Two, I am not white. And while the latter may seem ridiculous, it's much more important than you think despite our 'post racial' society.
As for my past, I have been in a number of relationships, some more meaningful than others but I can honestly say that I've only been in love once. With that person, it was a whirlwind experience and worst of all it didn't end the way it does in movies. It was pretty drawn out, ugly and emotional on my end but it taught me so much about myself. From that point it wasn't like I didn't want to take risks, I just learned that love is not everything & that if you're smart, you can detect fundamental problems in someone you're talking to before it destroys a potential relationship in the long run. This may sound cynical but I swear it's not. Have you ever met a guy who was a total asshole but sexy as hell? & in that case you ruled him out as a boyfriend but you would still make out with him? Okay, its exactly like that. But a bit deeper, let me explain.
I will begin my highlighting a few deal breakers in a relationship:
Example, a guy I dated this past summer basically wanted to be exclusive after I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and after like the second time I ever spoke to him. I tried to drive him away but he was persistent...NEXT!!
Another guy I was tlkn to was very attractive and absolutely my type, but he was terrible at conversation. Adding him on facebook was another deal breaker because his self absorption was soo apparent through his statuses, pictures etc. What I've found is that super attractive guys like that tend to lack substance and luckily all it takes is at most a week to figure that out...NEXT!!
And in between there are the guys that I forgot because they were too easy to read...predictable, w.e.
So I apologize if this sounds like I'm high maintenance but I promise I am not. I just feel that people rush into relationships without even knowing who they are. If you do not know who you are, how the hell are you supposed to accommodate another being in your life?
Why am I single? because I know who I am and I know what I want. I am not saying I am looking for someone to marry, but I am just too damn young to waste my time. But on that same note, I have a lot fun. I go on plenty of dates and I'm always entertained by male company, so I'm not alone. I guess what I'm saying is that this society has got us pretty accustomed to rushing into things because of fear. My relationships will never be about fear, they will be about what works for me. I can only hope that other young women take heed.
Love,
A.
...& what pisses me off is that it is always the people who just got into a relationship. The people who've been in relationships for awhile don't seem to bother me as much. Bottom line, I am nineteen years young so no one should be asking me those questions. It should sound more like Why were you sober last night?
so here's my deal. For a long time, let's say before 2010, I was a hopeless romantic. Your typical little girl caught up in Disney stories and shit. But then two things occurred to me. One, this is the real world filled with real people who do really bad things. Two, I am not white. And while the latter may seem ridiculous, it's much more important than you think despite our 'post racial' society.
As for my past, I have been in a number of relationships, some more meaningful than others but I can honestly say that I've only been in love once. With that person, it was a whirlwind experience and worst of all it didn't end the way it does in movies. It was pretty drawn out, ugly and emotional on my end but it taught me so much about myself. From that point it wasn't like I didn't want to take risks, I just learned that love is not everything & that if you're smart, you can detect fundamental problems in someone you're talking to before it destroys a potential relationship in the long run. This may sound cynical but I swear it's not. Have you ever met a guy who was a total asshole but sexy as hell? & in that case you ruled him out as a boyfriend but you would still make out with him? Okay, its exactly like that. But a bit deeper, let me explain.
I will begin my highlighting a few deal breakers in a relationship:
- arrogance
- lack of communication
- inconsitency
- lying
- obnoxiousness
- stupidity
- immaturity
- desperation
Example, a guy I dated this past summer basically wanted to be exclusive after I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and after like the second time I ever spoke to him. I tried to drive him away but he was persistent...NEXT!!
Another guy I was tlkn to was very attractive and absolutely my type, but he was terrible at conversation. Adding him on facebook was another deal breaker because his self absorption was soo apparent through his statuses, pictures etc. What I've found is that super attractive guys like that tend to lack substance and luckily all it takes is at most a week to figure that out...NEXT!!
And in between there are the guys that I forgot because they were too easy to read...predictable, w.e.
So I apologize if this sounds like I'm high maintenance but I promise I am not. I just feel that people rush into relationships without even knowing who they are. If you do not know who you are, how the hell are you supposed to accommodate another being in your life?
Why am I single? because I know who I am and I know what I want. I am not saying I am looking for someone to marry, but I am just too damn young to waste my time. But on that same note, I have a lot fun. I go on plenty of dates and I'm always entertained by male company, so I'm not alone. I guess what I'm saying is that this society has got us pretty accustomed to rushing into things because of fear. My relationships will never be about fear, they will be about what works for me. I can only hope that other young women take heed.
Love,
A.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I felt like blogging
It's snowing, and I've exhausted every other possible activity. It is currently winter break and I am helping my apprentices with their college essays. Apart from that, I am being super unproductive. Perhaps the below freezing weather sabotages all FUN.
Today I was thinking about life again. INTROSPECTIVE. & its scary how its gaining in on me. I like to take things one day at a time but its as if the days have teamed up together to destroy me. I just want to be a kid again, or maybe just seventeen again forever.
On a lighter note, I will soon be playing Black Ops at my neighbor's house AKA the birth control of 2010. I haven't played v-games in awhile, but like I said, I'm bored and I desire human interaction right now.
A goal of my mine before this break is to create 27 poems/songs for each day that I am home. So far, I am already 7 behind. lmao, I'm basically a JOKE.
I may blog back with more interesting things to say but I figured it would be cool if I could record my despair on this snowy, stupid sunday evening.
CAUTION. Do not spill hot cocoa on your mother, you will get smacked, 100 % guarantee...my cousin tells me =/ lol
Out,
A
Today I was thinking about life again. INTROSPECTIVE. & its scary how its gaining in on me. I like to take things one day at a time but its as if the days have teamed up together to destroy me. I just want to be a kid again, or maybe just seventeen again forever.
On a lighter note, I will soon be playing Black Ops at my neighbor's house AKA the birth control of 2010. I haven't played v-games in awhile, but like I said, I'm bored and I desire human interaction right now.
A goal of my mine before this break is to create 27 poems/songs for each day that I am home. So far, I am already 7 behind. lmao, I'm basically a JOKE.
I may blog back with more interesting things to say but I figured it would be cool if I could record my despair on this snowy, stupid sunday evening.
CAUTION. Do not spill hot cocoa on your mother, you will get smacked, 100 % guarantee...my cousin tells me =/ lol
Out,
A
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I WANT TO WRITE MUSIC AGAIN
I always dreamed of making songs that touch people.
On another note, I just declared my concentration today- the department people were friendly.
Bitter...because I saw two GINORMOUS dogs in front of the dhall. They were completely docile but I do not have a good history with doggies.
Happy...because when this week ends I will 1) see HARRY P. 2) eat some good food 3) go home for tgiving.
Good Night.
A.
On another note, I just declared my concentration today- the department people were friendly.
Bitter...because I saw two GINORMOUS dogs in front of the dhall. They were completely docile but I do not have a good history with doggies.
Happy...because when this week ends I will 1) see HARRY P. 2) eat some good food 3) go home for tgiving.
Good Night.
A.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I'm Back after a long Hiatus !
A LOT has transpired since my last update.
1. I had an amazing summer in NYC working at this internship in the BX as an instructor and administrative intern.
2. I was able to do a lot of self reflection, unfortunately I felt so exhausted from the long summer & it was difficult for me to rebound when school began in September.
Now, I am a sophomore -- def not your most exciting year in college. So far it's been filled with a number of ups and downs. Academically, interesting to say the least. I was definitely battling with concentration decisions and I finally decided on sociology which is cool but I do wish that my school had better options for concentrations.
Personally, I have made significant strides. I am quickly coming into my own and understanding myself and how I operate. Things I used to make excuses for now make sense to me. For example, some people may mistake me for being self-absorbed because I'm terribly awful with communication ( in terms of everything outside of face to face interaction), I have deduced that is not the case. I am just very self conscious and I am often trying to make myself better or focus on things that I should be doing before burdening others with the details of my life. I like to straighten things out with myself first; perhaps because I like to have my ish together at all times TYPE A PERSONALITY. The only difficulty comes with my lack of organization, it affects me and it works hand in hand with super short attention span. I guess I'm rambling but the basics are that I am super self aware and I can tell you my problems before you even have the chance to criticize me about it.
Unfortunately, I have not had time for leisure anything. Writing and reading for me is usually really therapeutic but it is hard for me to focus on anything when I have so much on my mind all the time. Sometimes I wish I could filter things out so I don't drive myself crazy all the time.
I have a lot of plans for this semester & the following one. I really want to do something important. Once I iron out the details, I'll be able to share it with the world.
Well, it's been great writing after so long. I have a lot of things on my mind ( much more than I wrote down) & the truth is I don't even know when I will have the time to do this consistently. I hope I can tho because I actually just feel soo much better. Alright, out.
Such is Life.
A.
1. I had an amazing summer in NYC working at this internship in the BX as an instructor and administrative intern.
2. I was able to do a lot of self reflection, unfortunately I felt so exhausted from the long summer & it was difficult for me to rebound when school began in September.
Now, I am a sophomore -- def not your most exciting year in college. So far it's been filled with a number of ups and downs. Academically, interesting to say the least. I was definitely battling with concentration decisions and I finally decided on sociology which is cool but I do wish that my school had better options for concentrations.
Personally, I have made significant strides. I am quickly coming into my own and understanding myself and how I operate. Things I used to make excuses for now make sense to me. For example, some people may mistake me for being self-absorbed because I'm terribly awful with communication ( in terms of everything outside of face to face interaction), I have deduced that is not the case. I am just very self conscious and I am often trying to make myself better or focus on things that I should be doing before burdening others with the details of my life. I like to straighten things out with myself first; perhaps because I like to have my ish together at all times TYPE A PERSONALITY. The only difficulty comes with my lack of organization, it affects me and it works hand in hand with super short attention span. I guess I'm rambling but the basics are that I am super self aware and I can tell you my problems before you even have the chance to criticize me about it.
Unfortunately, I have not had time for leisure anything. Writing and reading for me is usually really therapeutic but it is hard for me to focus on anything when I have so much on my mind all the time. Sometimes I wish I could filter things out so I don't drive myself crazy all the time.
I have a lot of plans for this semester & the following one. I really want to do something important. Once I iron out the details, I'll be able to share it with the world.
Well, it's been great writing after so long. I have a lot of things on my mind ( much more than I wrote down) & the truth is I don't even know when I will have the time to do this consistently. I hope I can tho because I actually just feel soo much better. Alright, out.
Such is Life.
A.
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