Grudges

Most people wish to not hold grudges. They wish that anger wouldn't consume them every time someone betrays them. And they should. But the opposite of that isn't okay either and unfortunately my inability to hold on leaves me open in the worst way.

By no means do I wish to be bitter, holding on to things I cannot control because 1) It takes energy and time to hate people. I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do. 2) The People that I consider hating, I'm usually in some kind of relationship with them. I can usually separate the person from the action and consider that it's irrational to dislike someone I'd otherwise be friends with if we weren't together (makes sense?)

But by becoming this person, I am in many ways telling the other person that they are right, that it's okay to hurt people. Because after a few apologies and stupid jokes things will be okay. But it's not okay because some people say they are wrong but they dont really understand why. Thus, the cycle continues and its obviously up to me to use discretion but I can only keep my guard up for so long. I guess I'm just trying to find a middle ground, or like I just wanna say like:

"While I am not holding a grudge, what you've done to me has broken me in many ways. I will say hi to you and entertain random chatter but at this point you serve no purpose in my life. You were a decent friend and a good listener at best, but so is a dog. I have enough friends. Things obviously happened for a reason and while my short attention span won't allow me to fully articulate what you did to me, I still feel the effects of it sometimes because it haunts me. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I understand why you chose her and that's just unhealthy. The first time you made me feel worthless will be your last so I mean good-bye in the nicest of ways."

So YES I'm done. I'm moving on and it would be great to clarify a few things that I never got the chance to ask you, but is it okay that I dont even care anymore? 

Relationships

Yes, this is the topic I barely touch on mostly because I do not care for people being in my business. But I feel like there are a couple of things I need to address because I hate when people frikkin ask me Why are you single?

...& what pisses me off is that it is always the people who just got into a relationship. The people who've been in relationships for awhile don't seem to bother me as much. Bottom line, I am nineteen years young so no one should be asking me those questions. It should sound more like Why were you sober last night? 

so here's my deal. For a long time, let's say before 2010, I was a hopeless romantic. Your typical little girl caught up in Disney stories and shit. But then two things occurred to me.  One, this is the real world filled with real people who do really bad things. Two, I am not white. And while the latter may seem ridiculous, it's much more important than you think despite our 'post racial' society.

As for my past, I have been in a number of relationships, some more meaningful than others but I can honestly say that I've only been in love once. With that person, it was a whirlwind experience and worst of all it didn't end the way it does in movies. It was pretty drawn out, ugly and emotional on my end but it taught me so much about myself. From that point it wasn't like I didn't want to take risks, I just learned that love is not everything & that if you're smart, you can detect fundamental problems in someone you're talking to before it destroys a potential relationship in the long run. This may sound cynical but I swear it's not. Have you ever met a guy who was a total asshole but sexy as hell? & in that case you ruled him out as a boyfriend but you would still make out with him? Okay, its exactly like that. But a bit deeper, let me explain.

I will begin my highlighting a few deal breakers in a relationship:

• arrogance
• lack of communication
• inconsitency
• lying
• obnoxiousness
• stupidity
• immaturity
• desperation 

...and a few more others to name.

Example, a guy I dated this past summer basically wanted to be exclusive after I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and after like the second time I ever spoke to him. I tried to drive him away but he was persistent...NEXT!!

Another guy I was tlkn to was very attractive and absolutely my type, but he was terrible at conversation. Adding him on facebook was another deal breaker because his self absorption was soo apparent through his statuses, pictures etc. What I've found is that super attractive guys like that tend to lack substance and luckily all it takes is at most a week to figure that out...NEXT!!

And in between there are the guys that I forgot because they were too easy to read...predictable, w.e.

So I apologize if this sounds like I'm high maintenance but I promise I am not. I just feel that people rush into relationships without even knowing who they are. If you do not know who you are, how the hell are you supposed to accommodate another being in your life?

Why am I single? because I know who I am and I know what I want. I am not saying I am looking for someone to marry, but I am just too damn young to waste my time. But on that same note, I have a lot fun. I go on plenty of dates and I'm always entertained by male company, so I'm not alone. I guess what I'm saying is that this society has got us pretty accustomed to rushing into things because of fear. My relationships will never be about fear, they will be about what works for me. I can only hope that other young women take heed.

Love,
A.