Grudges

Most people wish to not hold grudges. They wish that anger wouldn't consume them every time someone betrays them. And they should. But the opposite of that isn't okay either and unfortunately my inability to hold on leaves me open in the worst way.

By no means do I wish to be bitter, holding on to things I cannot control because 1) It takes energy and time to hate people. I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do. 2) The People that I consider hating, I'm usually in some kind of relationship with them. I can usually separate the person from the action and consider that it's irrational to dislike someone I'd otherwise be friends with if we weren't together (makes sense?)

But by becoming this person, I am in many ways telling the other person that they are right, that it's okay to hurt people. Because after a few apologies and stupid jokes things will be okay. But it's not okay because some people say they are wrong but they dont really understand why. Thus, the cycle continues and its obviously up to me to use discretion but I can only keep my guard up for so long. I guess I'm just trying to find a middle ground, or like I just wanna say like:

"While I am not holding a grudge, what you've done to me has broken me in many ways. I will say hi to you and entertain random chatter but at this point you serve no purpose in my life. You were a decent friend and a good listener at best, but so is a dog. I have enough friends. Things obviously happened for a reason and while my short attention span won't allow me to fully articulate what you did to me, I still feel the effects of it sometimes because it haunts me. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I understand why you chose her and that's just unhealthy. The first time you made me feel worthless will be your last so I mean good-bye in the nicest of ways."

So YES I'm done. I'm moving on and it would be great to clarify a few things that I never got the chance to ask you, but is it okay that I dont even care anymore?