TEASASSA...

 ...okay a constant, omnipotent, ominous force in this young girl's life.


I do not know how often i stress i love college, if we subtract the foolish weekdays and all the tedious work , college is just a huge orgy melting pot of people from different places who different things in the same place. HAHA, so I realized that i can write a book, I think tooo damn much anyway so why not get paid for all of this intellect. Hmmm...Emerson did it, I can to, i am a philosopher.

Going to the ball tonight; seeing wyclef jean perform in a few hours; have not yet started my paper, soo effed right now!


shoutout to the amazing people I met last night; I got a new best friend from canada and all other walks of life. Umm, yep, checking out.

later dolls.

I don't hate you.

 I Just hate everything you've done
and more so everything you haven't
I never wanted what I couldn't have forever
I cannot feel halfway.

so TUESDAY, hmm...i feel as BLAH as the gray sky, I'm gonna listen to THE FRAY.


P.S do not eat children, they are our future!

Sunday, Serene...

YAY sunday, restful day.
impending doom of monday=/ boo.

Yes, just thought I'd make that clear.

BYE.

YOU'RE RUDE...

Listen, I don't know, maybe I have stupid written across my forehead for real, cus people always tend to think they're pulling one over on me. I legitimately don't care about anybody unless like ur madd close to me. SO dont feel sorry for me if you wanna go on act rude, I'm not crying but I feel like there's just certain things you shouldn't do. lol. People have gotten me mistaken for the wrong person. I feel like I treat people with a certain level of respect, and if you dont want to do the same, that's absolutely ok, and if not kick rocks. AN example of this week's rudeness: Like if you're gonna call my phone five times in one day, when I hit up, DO NOT ask me who I am, who are you son?? you called me! haha, little things like that seriously annoy me. BTW, this is not directed at anyone specifically, it's just another issue  I have with this world and its inhabitants HAHA. and at the end of the day, keep it as real as possible, i respect that and being rude never helped anybody, so stop it, for your sake, for my sake, and for the betterment of this beautiful world. Kay, CIAO.

Sincerely,
Addy

We are all scared

Essentially none of us know exactly why things work the way they work, or happen the way they do. We are all scared and as pattern seeking beings, we feel it is up to us to connect the dots, to tie the loose strings, to find reasons as to why things happen. Some of us attribute life's occurrences to the grand design, some of us think that a mere scientific investigation could give us concrete explanations for almost everything, frankly i have no idea. All I know is that most of my greatest accomplishments have come out of adversity. And though I am not advocating pain of any sort, I am stressing that we can't get so mad about things that are beyond our control, but we can control the things we get mad about. Under no circumstance or measure is life fair, and I know it's cliche to suggest looking at someone else's situations to realize and appreciate your life (no matter how imperfect), but seriously I urge you to do so. I've seen too much shit out there for me to ever question why my life is the way it is. I couldn't tell you why people are fucked up or why they do fucked up things, but I can make sure that I am not one of them. So although a lot of things in regards to life are far beyond my control, I am and I will continue to be responsible for actions and hold myself accountable to my beliefs. I personally, do not live in fear of the after life, but I live in gratitude of my current.

addy

My Biggest Flaw...

I get so...immersed in my old world, i forget that there are people who are living too. 
I wish I could take away her pain, she's been through way too much. She is a true survivor of life, she is the strongest person I know. & I don't think I tell her this enough. Being apart of my life, she has inevitably  rubbed her confidence off on me, has made me a stronger person and a better person. I do not want her to ever forget that God only challenges the people that he thinks are strong enough to make it. I know I am not. And through it all, she moves on.

I just want to take the time to seriously and genuinely reveal that we lost an amazing man today. The irony, or the blessing that it happened to fall on Valentines Day, the day of love. Although it sucks that he was taken away from us on such a day, in the future when we think of love, we will think of him. Unconditional Love. He was an amazing father, person and friend of mine. I remember the first time I met him. It was after I met my best friend in acting class. He picked her up when class was over around 9pm. I didn't have a ride. He didn't want me to take the train by myself, so he dropped me off home every single day. From Manhattan to my home in Queens at least an hour ride, and then back to his home in Brooklyn. And he worked, plenty of jobs, but it was never even a question, never a hesitation, there are few genuine people out there. He would talk to me and my best friend (his daughter) about his past, some stories seemed rather far-fetched and somewhat unbelievable, but I've learned that with this family anything is possible. He told me about the days when 42nd street was a dangerous place to be: hookers, drug dealers, you name it. He told me about the days he used to be in commercials and how he had a passion for acting until reality settled in. Most of all, I remember his face. The slight smirk on the right side of his grin that pretty much summed up his character; his love for life. And even when he had very little, he was never hesitant to give back, he lived his life like a rock star. He passed on invaluable knowledge to his lovely daughter, as both her mother and her father. And I remember her telling me about how much he annoyed her sometimes...but then she would laugh and say "but i love my dad." And it's true. That love is so genuine a bond. I know they say a child is closer to her mother, but he was her everything and he still is. But one things for certain, he left his mark on this world. He colored the world with his energy and he seriously had soo much love to give, for everybody, to everyone. And so although he wasn't a perfect man, as none of us are, he was a really amazing and irreplaceable soul and so if there exists a heaven in the after-life, may his soul rest there in peace. In peace that he changed my world, his daughter's and everyone he has ever met. 

RIP AL WEST- I will love you forever and never forget you. Although I didn't see you everyday, I have nothing but positive memories to remind me of you.

Addy.

often times

we undermine the power of assumptions, but what's scarier is when we undermine our own.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am done making assumptions, I'm done with lingering to vapid words. I'm only going to believe in what is shown and not said. I guess I accept full responsibility for my faith in other people. Just because I say something and hold myself accountable to it, doesn't mean that everyone will hold themselves to that standard. I am neither writing to complain nor to bitch about the quality of my life, i love my life, I just hate when people try to take that love away from me. I appreciate the ground I am standing on, and though I know that taking chances sometimes means flying, but if I am going to risk crashing, I want it to be worth it. I've never had any regrets and so today, I wont start.

on a heavier note, this was one of my worse-er days=/ I was in excruciating pain from 9 am this morning until shortly after 3 ( awful in terms of productivity). But yea, I had enough fun last weekend so im totally fine with staying in and reflecting on me (it helps that i like my reflection) lol.

on a lighter note happy almost valentines day. I've always had an issue with this day. Things just never seemed to work out, *shrugs* It's not even a legitimate holiday lol. I'm not hating or anything and kudos to all you lovers, but hmmm...things have just never worked out for me on February the fourteenth.

In conclusion, I have learned today that I have some pretty amazing friends. The whole idea of college helping you find yourself is really not a myth. I think I may start being blatantly honest cus keeping my mouth shut has never taken me anywhere. I realized that I think to damn much, so I may need to spend a little bit more time out of my head. Oh and yeah, I hate institutions specifically catered to the degradation and exploitation of women. I hate the power struggle between men and women on college campuses (actually not a struggle in the sense that the man bears most of the power). By this I mean, I hate when I go to parties just to see all the boys lined up along the walls, the girls in the center waiting for a guy to pull them over onto the wall just so that the guy can let the girl do all the dancing while he texts some next bitch on his phone. Lol, I know very specific, but I've seen it before and admittedly was a victim, but I have changed since, and I am seriously not judging anyone, but I just want to address the uneven distribution of power.

As a side note, one of my really good friends pointed out something very interesting to me today. It has come to my attention that one of our fellow classmates looks like Jigsaw from the movie Saw. I know this is rude, but some girls must be called out on their ego issues especially when the the girl in question is no type of attractive. I would post her picture adjacent to Jigsaw for you all to draw the parallels, but thats even ruder and so therefore this blatantly honest thing has failed before it began.

Later Dolls,
addy

Trying to write a paper

but all of these odds are against me

• i am beyond tired and so the words are giving me a headache
• its Friday and the idea of doing anything educationally significant today is rather unfathomable.
• there is a party goin on and it frustrates me that I dont know whats goin on.
• theres too many thoughts running through my damn head
• facebook and twitter seem so appealing, but when I sign on, nothing changes
• i am a loser
• oh yea, and I suck at writing "lens essays"

yep, so this is why I am sad=/ goodnight folks.

what really grinds my gears?

...okay so when former guys i used to be involved with annoy the hell  hit me up and ask me about my life and strike up meaningless conversation as if they were not talking shit about me or as if the reason that we broke up is not their fault.

UNFORTUNATELY,, im stupid and nice, and because some people are not worth me stressing myself to  type i strongly dislike your guts you freakin loser I respond, with a nice, calm, and even somewhat cheerful demeanor ( which is all a total front on my part). Seriously, if you know I do not like you, do not update me on the status of your life because the truth is i seriously, and i mean sincerely can care less. Karma has seriously guided my low-life   exes along the path of misery they created as a result of fxckin with my life and my emotions. I cannot stress how much this annoys me, so you can take your stupid life, and all your so called dumbass accomplishments and leave me the hell alone. Capeesh?

Yeah,, I know this was rather harsh but it seriously needs to be addressed. I am talking about a very specific person and that whole thing was a huge mistake but no regrets on my part. I was even willing to be cordial but thats if i happen to see u, if not, lets just pretend we never met. You really screwed me over after I gave you the ben. of the doubt, and altho i hold no grudges why cant u leave me alone? my life has been a worlds better w/o u, lying and making excuses, this just shows that age alone does not make a man. I seriously dont want any bad air or neg energy in my life, soo yeah and thanks.


Yours Truly,
ADDY

It kind of sucks when...

you feel too tired to do anything, say anything or go anywhere.
 well thats where i am right now=/ in the midst of the ton of work i have to do, this may not be too ideal. Another interesting day in class where we spoke about the power of expectations in the education system. According to one study, if a teacher is told that X group of kids are really talented and gifted, they work more closely with them and they tend to do much better than the rest of the kids in the class. That is obvious, but when the researchers told the teachers that the X group was really gifted, the truth was that they actually performed lower than the rest of the children. All they needed was to believe that they were smart and that they could live up to the expectations of their teachers. They in turn wound up performing better than the kids who scored higher prior to the class...very interesting to think of when I reflect on the dynamics of my own education. There was always a divide that was insidiously racist towards the black students in my school versus the Indians or those of Indian descent. It seemed as if many of the teachers expected the Indian kids to perform better and even if they didnt they were often given the benefit of the doubt in contrast to the average black student to whom much wasnt expected. This is not an attack on my former high-school at all, or an attack on the people who worked hard and deserved their rewards, but it is an attack on the psychology of our society. Our cultural practices are often intertwined with our professional worlds and I just think that the first step to changing this is acknowledging the problem. Btw, this issue of expectation transcends race. It can be seen on a male vs. female struggle or perhaps on a socioeconomic level. I just thought it would be interesting to share.

Later dolls.
ADDY

Quote of the day:

"If I were to have a three some it would be with brad pitt and angelina jolie, not no spencer pratt lookin mothafucker"- Flo from the bad girls club HAHAHA.

ahh i'm done

i am so exhausted I swear, this day has been a real trip, I cant wait to hop into my comfy bed yepp.
but yea on another note SMH@ popsonblast...yall are wild for putting girls out there life that, I'm not gonna lie its entertaining but you're messing with people's lives right now, even people who dont deserve it. But *shrugs* I have better things to do than entertain that kiddy shit, so I dont have much to say but I just felt like writing on this thing.

Much love dolls
addydoll

On the topic of educational/racial inequity...

today i went to an open discussion on the policy of AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AND I went away with a number of points,

• when talking about advantages while applying to colleges, people are so quick to point to the race card, and do not fully understand that these so called advantages are given to legacies, people from lower socio-economic backgrounds, or to people from underrepresented regions
• the education gap has not closed. We look around at Harvard and we are extremely lucky to be apart of such a diverse populations or race, cultures, class and ideas, that we mistakenly picture Harvard as a microcosm of a larger nationwide spectrum. This is false, the diversity fostered at Harvard is completely inorganic and in many instances true "organic" development of diversity very rarely occurs. Sometimes it is okay to force diversity because we cannot wait for it to happen on its own. 
• In order for affirmative action to be used effectively, people must look at the the uniqueness of the experiences a person has been through, the region from which they came, and the opportunities presented to them etc. I understand that much of this idealistic, and I'm not saying Affirmative action isn't efficient, I'm only saying that we live in an imperfect system and so striving towards perfection can only be beneficial.

Just to get your mind going...

So I am taking this class on Race, Gender and Education in the U.S., and today we talked about the connotations of the word minority. Not minority in the straight up statistical aspect, but in the connotations and the cultural insidiousness of the word. In our minds, we see someone, and based on our experience with a group that is not our own, we innately draw stereotypical connections of what that given person should be or how they should be have. We tend to forget that people are different! Whether it be nature or nurture, percentages or w.e., u seriously have to give me people a chance because you'll learn that there are so many different ways to be human. I recently met this white guy from south carolina who was actually surprised that I was talking to him because he said that based on his accent and his skin color, people automatically assume he's racist. Overall, I'm just trying to emphasize just how we've gotten so psychologically used to "boxing people in"  and forming conclusions based on limited experiences. As a population, we have become comfortable with our ignorance and the worse part is that we do not even realize it. I believe that race relations seriously need to be improved in this country. If neighborhoods would diversify (despite the prejudice real estate system) and if people learned to be comfortable with people, not just those who look like them, we will eventually progress towards a society in which the color of one's skin is as significant as the color of  someone's shirt.

I've got the biggest crush on ya...

you know who you are. I never saw it coming but damn you have a way with words! I love the way you think and I could talk to you forever and still find out more about you. You wanted me to dedicate a post to you...well this one is yours. And if you're not convinced I'm talking to you, your initials are GCI, haha & u make me smile hysterically lol, so this songs for you (i do not think i included it in the list but its perfect)






so now that's taken care of, so i must get back to working before class starts.


Addy.

maybe i'm...

stuck on a new obsession
possessed with a predilection
for teaching you lames a lesson.

yep, i got rapping skills to, haha. BTW, MA RECORDS ALL DAY.

today was soo productive,

• i had breakfast (tasty fruits involved)
• i had an amazing class with Gates
• I worked out
• I also helped highschoolers with SAT work.

but, in the grand scheme of life, I'm 3 weeks behind in work and Ive only been in school for 2 weeks...smh.

& SMH to my teacher who describes a 5-7 page paper as fun, short, yay. & even better we get ONE WHOLE WEEK to do it, it wouldnt suck if I didnt have to read on average a hundred pages per class each night. These people want to end my damn life, but never that...

hmmm...back to the grind.

follow the twitter.

SO LAST NITE

...let's not talk about it too much, but just a few words of advice

• DO NOT ever kiss a sailor.
• DO NOT ever talk about the oppressive system that keeps blacks down in a room filled with other races.
• DO NOT trust your friends to not leave you with strangers when two cute guys pass by.
• DO NOT judge your friends or chastise them about their behavior when you are in fact, just as fxckd up as them.

follow these rules, and u wont be like me. Worst of all, I have a shitload of work to do within the next four hrs before the superbowl comes on=/ 

hmmm...

i dislike negative nancys.

so KUMBAYA or however the hell you spell that shxt. 

follow my twitter @addydoll. OUT,

and reggie bush= life in summation. GOOD LUCK REGG.

Opera singing.

Yes, sums up my day.

you would think a lot of things if I told you I go to harvard, maybe I saved a baby whale, or disproved science, but nope not this genius. I spend my time shaking my ass and harmonizing NO AIR by Jordin/Chris with my roommate Ari. Hmm...so much for higher education.

oh & it gets better ! Tonite i'm going to make it rain on you hoes lol, but seriously its the name of this party at my school, and according to upperclassmen, we get stacks of bills to shower our friends with like strippers YAY & if you're twentyone which i am not, u get a free bottle of champagne lol, did i say i love this school??

so as for now, I am going to salvage the remainder of my day before I go get wasted before this party, I need a respectable job this summer so this is our little secret dolls, they can never know i made it rain on these hoes lol, so as for now bxtches, Grab a MxtherFxckn UMBRELLA!

Dilemna...

Three possible outcomes:

1. Go to the Renaissance Ball
2. Go all the way back to NYC for friends bday party
3. go to this huge weekend summit network event where i could meet amazing influential people

...ill update later with my decision.

ON FREE WILL vs. FATE

why is it that when something good happens to someone, we blame it on fate (divine intervention of some sort), yet when something goes wrong man is faulted because it was an act of free will. Mmm, seems convenient from a religious perspective but if it was vise versa, and I killed someone, I would be able to testify on the grounds of fate, at that point would I be crazy?

So special shouts to my best friends

1. Rima Bima est. 1991! out the womb baby=]
2. Regina 
3. Vernee
4. Mieka
5. Genesis

&& I cant forget my Harvard boos.

1. Ola- i would be screwed up without you
2. Syd- like a sister
3. Mari-soul mate
4. Oki-Partner in Crime
5. HyHy- wife
6. Ari- adorable
7. JujuBear- my boo.
8. James- ahh...the sweetest.

There are tons of more important people, but remember this blog is about me, and if someone is wondering abt their shoutout, is coming real soon love! haha.

...interested in deep thought provoking and insightful music?

Then thats too damn badd!!  wacka flocka this!

Later DOLLS.

what's love got to do with...anything?

This may sound completely arrogant, but I would argue perceptive:
I KNOW PEOPLE TOO WELL
& Then occasionally there comes those who are in fact unpredictable, exciting, complex and multi-dimensional. These are the people that I often tend to enjoy.




The worst part about love:

• you become an irrational mess, your whole life controlled by your infected heart, your mind obsolete, in many ways you are crippled.
• reason no longer works. You try, but all you see is yellow (the GAYEST --i mean happy) color manifesting in roses and stupid ass tulips everywhere you look!
• finally, all good things have stipulations. Love is ephemeral ...it falters but unfortunately it's unconditional. You cant help but remember why you fell in love even if the bad times were really bad. You dwell on memories of yesterday and it's the hardest thing to let go but sometimes and most times you have to, unless it will break you.

Truthfully:

I have been in love, and I know it's love and not lust. I know because you can let go of lust and easily replace it, but love man, that shit is relentless. It makes you do stupid things, think stupidly and you just seem to never let it go. But my advice, is to never let it control you. Women tend to be a lot a more in tune with their emotions and so they know what is good and what is not follow it cuz its all u have. & know that its okay to love someone and its ok if its hard to let go, but there is a reason why people are not in your lives anymore.

But then, there are those exceptions. The people who make their way back into your lives, but I serious warn you not to dwell on that. These are rare really rare. & in order to move forward you have to open yourself up to the possibilities. At the end of the day dolls, you're much stronger than you think. Everything is a lesson and please appreciate it. Cuz sometimes you have to see how badd things can get b4 can truly appreciate all that you have.

Hmm...i may change the tone of this blog, its kind of sappy and super personal but abstract all in one. I want to talk about less sap and more substance! ...but def sap too lol,

LATER DOLLS!

dedicated to Ari. My biggest fan lol

maybe...

maybe i should stop being so presumptuous, there's no guarantees in nature.
Even the most definite seasons falter.
I thought I had it all figure out life and still with these eighteenyears under my belt, I am learning everyday. I know what I want, what I dont want, what I wish to attain. But, truthfully nothing is set in stone.

candid, i wish to truly be. I get so caught up in the emotions of others, that i forget and foreit my own.
I study people like one studies the most complex book, I wish to discard of the excess baggage, but its hard sometimes you know...to just act like people who were somewhat important in your life dont exist.  


in order to move forward i seriously must acknowledge the past, that shit weighs you down like you wouldnt believe. bottom line I MUST "man up"

...maybe